CONTEST CRITIQUE: Read it and Learn!

Earlier this year I entered the first 50 pages of a romantic suspense in a contest. I didn't win or place, but I was given a critique by others who write and read mysteries. I got that critique back over the weekend and thought I'd share it with you. Before I received the following critique, I tweaked, changed the title, did a little revision and submitted the first chapter and a synopsis to Love Inspired Suspense. You can read their rejection at the end of this post.

 

Hopefully, you can learn something from the judges comments as well as the rejection. Mainly, how interesting it is that several people can read the same thing and come away with vastly different opinions.

 

For those of you who have never entered your manuscripts in contests, this is pretty much what you receive. Sometimes less. Read it and weep, or get your first chapter ready for a contest. One way or another, they can lead you to publication.

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Please note that, even among publishing professionals, preferences in style and content are subjective. These notes are only suggestions and reflect the opinions of the judges. We hope you’ll find them helpful.

 

Title: Death Makes it Right

Author: Jessica Ferguson

 

 Because the judges were divided, a third judge was asked to look at the manuscript.

 

Strong Beginning:

 The first two judges were divided on the opening.

 The first said: “This feels so rushed that I feel like it's a synopsis of a longer novel.  The first section, we're introduced to P.K., she threatens Sheridan, yells at a reporter, beats the crap out of his son, and finds out Sheridan's been murdered.  This is five or six chapter's worth, but it feels jammed into too tight a section.  Give me more detail, setting, everything.”

 The second said:  Immediately hooked with sensory and character details. Action begins immediately.

 The third said: This is an interesting setup, lots going on. It does seem a little rushed but is, overall, effective. It’s not clear why both P.K. and Randolph are here, especially in light of the receptionist’s immediate assumption that she’s a trucker. I think we need a little more information so we can understand why they are both in the same place at the same time. It seems intentional, but what does this have to do with her being a trucker? Watch POV. For example, when PK pulls her hair back in the opening scene, there are a few sentences about her flawless complexion and haunted appearance. We’ve been in PK’s head until now, and this takes the reader out of the story, since she can’t see herself (and even if she could, it’s unlikely she would think of herself that way).

 

Character:

 Judge 1: There's no time to get to know P.K., so I have no idea whether I should believe that she's innocent or guilty.  The reader needs to get to know your protagonist, have ideas about how she would react.

 Judge 2: Excellent job of presenting the characters: " "His dark, penetrating eyes never failed to disconcert her. He had the air of a big, important man. He was quick, perceptive, and he was waiting for her to acknowledge him." "His tick eyebrows were clipped and when he brushed a large hand across his face, she noticed his manicured nails." "Her hair was a frizzed bob, giving her a wind-blown look, and her faded red blouse was belted loosely at the waist of her khaki pants. She wore too much make-up, too much jewelry and reeked of self-confidence."

 Judge 3: Rudd and PK both seem like interesting characters. I was more drawn to Rudd than to PK. He seems well-intentioned and honorable, as well as likable. She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder. Maybe understandable since her dad was just murdered, so I’d give her the benefit of the doubt for a while longer. The reporter doesn’t seem very well fleshed out. The story would be stronger if she were depicted in more depth and complexity.

 

Setting:

 Judge 1: Where is this set? Why is it there? I get a sense of the hotel, but not the region, and as truck drivers, geography would be paramount for these characters.

 Judge 2: The sights and smells of New Orleans come to life. "P.K. Everett wrinkled her nose as the fishy smell assaulted her nostrils." Great sentence. "The convoluted mixture of colognes and aftershaves mingled with the smell of crawfish." The picture painted of his ransacked apartment was vivid.

 Judge 3: There hasn’t been much opportunity to experience the setting, other than the hotel. A few more strategically place, specific sensory details would help create a stronger sense of place. Also (not a criticism, just an observation), I associate New Orleans with good food, whereas a “fishy” smell connotes anything but. Was that intentional?

 

Dialogue:

 Judge 1: There was no difference between the way P.K. spoke and the way Lori spoke. Characters can best show their individuality through their dialogue, so take advantage of that and show their distinct personality.

Judge 2: The scene where Rudd barged in on P.J. and Lori was a good example of this authors command of dialogue.

 Judge 3: The dialogue was generally good. Could have been a bit crisper in places.

 

Plot:

Judge 1: I like the idea, but it was so rushed that I didn't have time to appreciate any particular aspect.  I'm guessing you have some passing familiarity if not expertise with the trucking industry, so I would encourage you to incorporate more of that into the plot.  As it is, it's fairly standard fare, and nothing about it really grabs my attention.

Judge 2: Started fast and continued to move. The scene where Rudd and PK embrace at the reporter's apartment seemed contrived. Also, it was hard to imagine the protagonist allowing the reporter to follow her into her hotel room. Other than that the plot flowed well and worked.

Judge 3: An interesting premise. I’m interested to learn who killed PK’s dad and Randolph, interested in what will happen between Rudd and PK. (I can guess, but I’m still interested.)

 

Suspense/Tension:

Judge 1: Again, too rushed.  There's no time for me to become apprehensive about something before you bull onto the next section.  Slow it down, let me wonder about things for a bit.

Judge 2: Building suspense and creating tension is one of this writer's strengths.

Judge 3: Tension/suspense were handled well. In a few places, it might be heightened by slowing down a bit.

Conflicts:

 Judge 1: Give us more background early on about P.K. and why she's so angry.  Her conflicts with others are coming across as petty and childish, primarily because we don't have any backing.

Judge 2:  Plenty of conflict.

Judge 3: Plenty of conflict, which arises naturally from the situation. Telling us a little more about the situation would engage the reader more; we understand that she’s mad about her father’s murder, but it would help to know why she thinks Randolph is behind it. There’s plenty of information that can be legitimately withheld from the reader, but we need some of this background in order to understand what’s happening.

Pacing:

Judge 1: The rushed quality is absolutely burying the good aspects of this book.

Judge 2: For the most part the pace flows well. It bogs down a little after they leave the reporters house on their way to his apartment.

Judge 3: Generally good. A little rushed in the beginning, a little slow with reporter. I’m sure she’ll play an important role, but right now, it’s not clear what that is.

 

Voice/Writing style:

Judge 1: There's definitely a passion in your writing about the topic.  I believe you genuinely are enthusiastic about the characters, and that shines through.  You have a streamlined writing style very similar to Elmore Leonard, and it's excellent.  Work on pacing and plot, and your style will carry you far.

Judge 2: The voice was sharp and crisp. "His breath fanned her face." "His eyelids were tortured by unshed tears." "The oppressive humidity was like a blanket covering his face." Sometimes things were overstated: "He acted dazed." The reader can see that.

Judge 3: The voice is good, fresh but not intrusive.

 

Grammar & Mechanics:  THIS IS HUMILIATING! I KNOW HOW TO SPELL!

Judge 1: Generally fine. It should be “All right,” not “alright.” Also, watch your verb-noun agreement.

Judge 2: Some words are misused, but probably editing oversights: grown for groan; on for own Directional words (up, down, over, etc.), unneeded prepositions and words like "that" are overused. Also used adverbs when not needed: nervously looked,  A few missed punctuation marks (periods, commas) but overall, ok.

Judge 3: Generally good. Needs another pass for typos and tightening.

 

Additional Notes:

Judge 1: Rewrite this, and take your time with each section.  You have a strong voice and good writing style, but that's being washed away with your rush to get to the next scene.

Judge 2: Could be a contender.

Judge 3: No additional notes.

 

And here is a rejection I got on the same manuscript, revised BEFORE I got the above critique, and retitled:

 

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Dear Jessica,

Thank you for participating in the Love Inspired Suspense Fast Track and submitting BETRAYED, but I don’t feel like this project is right for LIS. While I think the idea of setting this story in the trucking world is interesting, your heroine came off as unlikeable. Our readers want a heroine they can relate too, and P.K. is much too combative. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you. I recommend reading some of our books to get a better feel for the Love Inspired tone. We appreciate your submission and wish you the best of luck in your writing.

All the best,

Emily Brown

Editorial Assistant

Love Inspired Suspense

The End - Or Is It?

I’m in a bind and need help.

I finished my novella some time ago and absolutely loved my ending. It left me endeared to my characters and a smile on my face. I felt that even though the story is a little creepy with a couple of evil characters, the ending would leave the reader feeling good. After all, those evil characters were put in their place--so to speak.

However, I sent my manuscript to beta readers and agreed with all their suggestions. They were easy to make. One, whose opinion I really value because she reads across the board, said she thought my ending needed more punch. The story didn’t end with action--just a sweetness. I could see exactly what she meant. My sweet ending was easily incorporated into “the punch” except for one thing: I have no ending now. I don’t have satisfaction, a paragraph or two that makes me feel the story has truly ended. I can’t find that comfortable wrap-up, and that final satisfying sentence that makes me nod, or smile or wipe away a tear.

I keep putting my characters in different locations to see if something sparks my imagination: a brother’s condo where they share a cup of coffee and wrap up loose ends. Doesn’t work.

I’ve put them in a hotel, in the breakfast bar, with swollen eyes from weeping and lack of sleep. That’s okay, but I don’t have the right dialogue for a wrap-up.

Now, I’m investigating them standing around a safety-deposit box, discovering some things they didn’t know. They’re together and they’re getting more answers. This seems like just one more chapter I’ll need before the final wrap-up.

My endings have always been fairly easy, evolving from the characters and their situation. I’m at a complete loss.

Do you know your ending before you finish your book? If not, how do you determine what works and what doesn’t, and what leaves the reader satisfied? Do you change your ending often? If you have no clue to your ending, how do you create one?

I'm desperate for comments and suggestions.

Characters I Live With

Are you a people watcher? While living here in our home away from home, I am, more than ever. I watch people, listen to what they say and try to determine what they might do next.

I watch people when I go to the library to write. The library here has no “Speak Softly” rules. I’ve heard a lot of moms fussing at their kids. I've heard a lot of undisciplined kids too. I listened to one young teen ask a guy to take her to the mall, then go into a detailed account of how her grandma left her grandpa and wasn’t going back to him.

I watch people when I shop in Wal-Mart. Most of them look incredibly unhappy, as if they’d rather be anywhere else. Amazing how different yet how alike we all are. What amazes me most, is how a person can walk right past me, within spitting distance, and totally ignore me, never speak a hello.

I watch (and hear) people outside my apartment window.The guy above us is on a health/exercise kick. We get up at 4:30 every morning. He gets up at 5. I hear him turn on the blender to mix his morning drink. I wonder what he has in it. Is it a powered Slim Fast drink (I’ve noticed he’s lost a little weight) or something with protein. 

I met a lady when she was walking back from the dumpster. I was getting groceries out of the back of the car. Within fifteen minutes, I knew she was someone I didn’t want to know. She warned me right away--several times--that she was unlikeable. By the time we'd finished our visit, she had me convinced. I haven’t seen her since. I think she’s avoiding me as much as I’m avoiding her.

There are two young guys who live across from us. When we first moved in, I’d see them leave the apartment every day around 10:00 a.m. The short, stocky one would go out to the car first, fiddle with locks, toss his backpack inside and wait for his friend. Five minutes later, the tall lean one, who always walked fast, would go to the car, carrying his little dog. This was the routine for the spring semester. At least, that was my thought--that they were college students, taking their little dog to a ‘sitter’ then hurrying on the class. I’ve never seen any visitors coming or going at their place. I guess that should have been a warning considering they're young and should be having parties and lots of friends over.

Two nights ago, there was a loud pounding on their door. An authoritative voice yelled: Sherriff’s office. Open up.” No response--more pounding. “Search warrant. Open up.”

Two hours later, the tall lanky occupant was taken away in handcuffs. The short stocky one wasn’t around, but he brought friends the next day and moved out. So much for the quiet, unassuming neighbors I'd admired for spending their time studying. You can read about it or watch the video HERE. For the record, I never saw any children going into his apartment. None. Ever.

People-watching, paying attention to what is around us, can help us with our characterization and make our scenes more authentic. I'm sad for my young neighbor, and everyone who knows and loves him. His life is ruined. On a more positive note, I'm excited to know exactly what a law enforcement officer sounds like when he beats on a door yelling, "Search warrant, Open Up." And very thankful he got the right apartment.

The Case of the Gaping WHY

A night or two ago I had a nightmare. I dreamed I went through my manuscript line by line and asked WHY after each sentence. Some of my whys had no answers. Most did, but sometimes the answer was implied, or not immediately evident. I remember being very confused.

I know why I had such a dream.

When I got to the end of my novella, I found a big hole. There was a huge unanswered WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? I know that has more to do with motivation but it sure leaves a hole in my plot. WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

Yep, I yelled it.

This very important character is not my MC yet the story couldn't be written without him. He's the stimulus, so to speak. The stimulus with the gaping WHY. This is one of those why didn't he just pick up the phone and call instead of manipulating. Manipulation makes him look like a bad guy so there has to be a really, really good reason for it.

I tried to put a band-aid over that gaping hole. Didn't work.  I tried to cover it by attributing the actions of another character to the one with the WHY.  Didn’t work.
 

To fill this plot hole sufficiently, I might have to add another character and another chapter or two. Or, maybe I do need to make my character wearing the WHY on his forehead a bad guy. 

No, no, I don’t want him to be bad. And this is a novella; I can't have a thousand characters.

I haven’t worked on my story for more than a week because of this gaping WHY. I'm stymied! Help!

Any suggestions how I might approach this problem?