I have a real fear of commitment, and I don't know why. It doesn't make much sense that I'd want to keep my options open. I mean, why can't I volunteer to man the food bank at the church each Wednesday? When someone tells me every Wednesday, I automatically hear Every Wednesday for the rest of your life. Now that's scary. Common sense tells me that nothing lasts forever, so chances are I would never man the food bank every Wednesday for the rest of my life. We've always moved from one job to the next, hopping back and forth across the Texas Louisiana line. Sometimes Jim goes without me. I've always had the option of joining him when I want to, coming and going as I please. I love options. Now, with Jim in Scotland and daughter in New Orleans, and our parents in questionable health, I find myself really being non-committal so I can hop in the car at the drop of a hat and head out of town. Makes perfect sense to me. Or is it the perfect excuse? Everybody else has kids in school and husbands who work. They have busy lives and are still able to take on additional responsibilities, successfully juggle multiple tasks.
The odd thing is, believe it or not, I'm really good at meeting deadlines. When the newspaper would assign me a story, I never missed a deadline. When my Silhouette editor gave me a deadline for my rewrites, for getting the art fact sheet completed, I never missed her deadlines. And this 21-day Daniel fast I've been on ends today. I stuck with it! So see, when I do commit to something, I work like a demon to succeed at it, to make it good for everyone involved. Ahhhhhh, maybe that's the rub.
I've come to the conclusion that I don't like complications in my life. However, secretly, I fear I have an ounce of laziness in me. That's sad. I'm not paying any attention to my good common sense--that nothing lasts forever. I'm smart enough to know that I'm cheating myself out of learning more, being blessed, making new friends and a wide range of interesting experiences. Maybe I'll try something new in the very near future. But then again, maybe not. I should probably set myself a deadline: Jess, you must commit to something by March 15th.
Think it will work?
1 comment:
Hmm-----you could commit to making sure I still have my sanity? Lazy? You? Ohmigosh, but NO! I'm one of those people too who hates to feel like if I sign up for any every whatever night thing I need to bring a note from a doctor if I miss.You committed to being a wife to Jim, a mother to your daughter, and a friend to me. That's worth something!
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