Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Teach Me Something about Pitching

Sometimes I really do like what I write more than I like what others suggest for what I write. Of course, I realize that doesn't mean I'm correct. I'm giving you free rein with my pitch here. Does it work or not? Rewrite it if you can do better or if you see weaknesses, identify them for me.

I've posted what I pitched to my agent (former agent) and what I included in the proposal to him. I've also included how he revised and pitched to the editors. I guess this is a perfect example of how we fall in love with our own words. Even though the agent used everything that really does happen in the book, it sounds so incredibly boring that I wouldn't buy it either. Comments?


FROM THE AUTHOR TO THE AGENT:

Former classmates find forgiveness and love while investigating a crime from their past.

ALEX HAMILTON went to jail for eighteen months because of MIRANDA SMITH. Then he disappeared without a word to anyone. Twelve years later, Alex is back in Chicory, Louisiana with his eleven year old niece, KATIE, in tow. Other than that, not much has changed. He’s still innocent and he still has feelings for Miranda Smith.
And someone is still trying to frame him.

FROM THE AGENT TO THE PUBLISHERS--with his errors:

When a former classmate shows up to register his niece at the Christian school where Miranda is principal, memories of her reporting her suspicions about his activity during her senior year come alive. Yet as a hands-on principal she is often forced to work with him, leading to a budding romantic relationshiponly to have that threatened by hate mail and a bomb threat that again point to him. The relationship is saved when a jealous former classmate is discovered to be the cause of all of the incidents.

4 comments:

Jan Rider Newman said...

Agent version: ho-hum. You're right. Yours was better than his.

CJ said...

Agent version: I don't have to read the book, got the gist of the story right there

Jess said...

I agree with both comments. I like my version better, but my pitch doesn't given any details about what happens within the pages of my book. No scenes, etc. CJ is right; she got the gist of the book and doesn't have to read it. And obviously, if she was an editor, she'd have enough info to know whether she wanted to read it. I still agree with Jan--it's a ho-hum version, but probably the best for an editor. Just look how much I've learned! All I need to do is tweak the agent pitch and make it my own. Fix what I perceive to be that monotone boredom.

Thanks Jan. Thanks CJ.
:-)

Cherrye at My Bella Vita said...

Hey Jess! I like them both, but I liked how the agent added in the principal part to the story. My mind was already wondering what their first meeting would be like, how they'd learn to get along, etc.

In bocca al lupo! (in the wolf's mouth ... or just another way to say good luck!)